So Hello all!!! I hope you are doing well. lol. I have finally applied for my Visa to travel to Spain. Now, all that is left is the waiting game. Even though I know I should probably be extremely panicked and praying to God a million times for it to arrive on time; I am not too worried. It's not that I have nothing to worry about, it's just that, what use is it panicking. I Pray that everything works out and that I am off to Spain come August 28th... and that's it. Spain is becoming more and more real now that I have applied for the visa. I don't know what to expect going abroad for three months (THREE MONTHS PEOPLE!!!). Maybe I will meet the love of my life, maybe I will find this new passion for something, I don't know. Maybe nothing will happen at all. I am just ready to continue this journey I call life. Maybe this trip will help my learn more about myself. I want to challenge myself by stepping outside of my comfort zone.
I have recently come to realize something about myself that I never (until now) thought was an issue for me. I am overly attached to my family. Of course I love my family, they are the people who have been there for my for so many years, however I feel that I have been protected by them so much that I feel like I use them as a protective mechanism to shield myself from the outside world. Now this attachment is not like that weird guy who stays upstairs locked away typing at his computer in his childhood room. No, I guess deep down inside, somewhere so deep I didn't see it, I am just scared. I few months ago I was thinking about my big trip and this fear of something happening to my mom or brother just popped in my head. What if something happens and I am not here, by their side. But then I reminded myself that life is unpredictable and that it must be lived to the fullest. Living life to the fullest means not worrying about every little thing that could happen. Of course someone could die, but I know that tomorrow is not promised to me or my family members, so I must appreciate them every day, every moment I can. I didn't know I was going to be this scared about leaving, I thought that leaving would be a piece of cake- not the case.
On another note. Self. I mentioned that I want to learn more about who I am. It is not that I don't know what my favorite color is, no. I have just spent so much time trying to either live up to other people's expectations or what I believe other people's expectations of me, that I lost sight of who Christina was. I once heard that "the hardest thing to be is yourself." Personally this statement has rung so true. I used to asked myself - sometimes I still do - what is special about me. I know people say that I am funny from time to time, but what is it really. Now I know that I am special, I am just trying to figure out what makes me that way. This trip may not reveal all the answers to the many questions that I have, only God has those answers I guess, but I plan to clear my head on this trip, regroup and put me together. There will be no additives, or artificial sweeteners, just pure Christina as she is.
Well back to my trip. I am so excited. I am praying that my Spanish improves. Everyone I talk with about the trip says that I will come back almost fluent, but we will see. Well it is getting late. I have also realized that I need music to write, actually I need it for a lot of things. There is just something magical about music. I mean what else can soothe the savage beast - not that I am the beast- well you get what I mean. What else is on my mind...
I guess good nite until tomorrow blog. ;)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Late Night Brain Scatter
So it is pretty late, at least for being on vacation anyways. I am listening to Sarah Smile by Hall and Oates right now; that song is so tight and I would recommend it to anyone. My cousin Marlania and her family have been here for the past week and are leaving tomorrow, it has been fun. There are so many things to be done before I fly off to Spain in August like: getting my passport, raising money, working, getting my license, etc. Sometimes I just don't know where to start. However, this summer I will get things done. I won't sit around and talk about things that I am planning on doing. Ok, so I am talking about it in this blog, but this is my blog, so I guess this is ok.
Today was coo, I went to work at Party City. I - for lack of better words-hate that job. I don't hate the people I work with at all, I barely know any of them, I just hate the job itself. it is all about customer service; keeping the customer happy. I would say that I am pretty good at doing that, but the endless task of cleaning up after people only to watch them reck the aisles you just cleaned sucks. But that job has been there for me when I needed it most, and I appreciate it.
So if all goes well I will be traveling to Spain. Man, Spain. I made up my mind that I will see the world and to think in about two months I will start my journey. I hope there is power in seeing new places and things, while meeting new people. I have this notion that going abroad is going to help me understand more about me and who I really am. I know that my thoughts are bouncing around everywhere but I really feel that this might be one of the (hopefully) many life changing experiences of my life. Right now I feel sort of caged in, like a bird that always wanted to fly but its wings were clipped. I know ahhhh. anyway, I am going to try writing again tomorrow. bye bye.
Today was coo, I went to work at Party City. I - for lack of better words-hate that job. I don't hate the people I work with at all, I barely know any of them, I just hate the job itself. it is all about customer service; keeping the customer happy. I would say that I am pretty good at doing that, but the endless task of cleaning up after people only to watch them reck the aisles you just cleaned sucks. But that job has been there for me when I needed it most, and I appreciate it.
So if all goes well I will be traveling to Spain. Man, Spain. I made up my mind that I will see the world and to think in about two months I will start my journey. I hope there is power in seeing new places and things, while meeting new people. I have this notion that going abroad is going to help me understand more about me and who I really am. I know that my thoughts are bouncing around everywhere but I really feel that this might be one of the (hopefully) many life changing experiences of my life. Right now I feel sort of caged in, like a bird that always wanted to fly but its wings were clipped. I know ahhhh. anyway, I am going to try writing again tomorrow. bye bye.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Last One Left in the Empty Apartment
The apartment is empty now, which means there are no longer any more familiar voices, no more vibrant music, and no more interesting conversations. As I sit here, my mind can’t help but wonder or think of everything that has happened in this place. It is so scary just looking into the bedroom walls where posters and pictures once hung and into the drawers where clothing was placed. I start to imagine people, my friends sitting at their computers, doing homework, listening to music, talking on the phone. I can see one of them on Facebook looking up new dances or the latest songs. It’s sort of weird to know that this “time” is over.
Memories are powerful things. I have really come to discover this, this year. Two of my closest friends have now graduated, leaving me here (which is cool, I am taking a fifth year). But it is saddening to know that our time together as young college students has passed and that now, we are well on our way to becoming independent adults. I remember thinking not to long ago back on my college years. They went by so fast, and yet I have so many memories. The familiar faces I once knew have mostly graduated and some have even went on to marry and start families. I hate to say I sound like an older person, but for the first time when I look back, I tell myself, “Wow, things have really changed and they might not be like they used to.” And these changes have happened so fast; so fast I didn’t even realized that they were taking place. So in order to stay sane throughout all of these changes, I have really discovered the importance of memories. Memories have the power to make us sad, cringe, scared, happy, nostalgic, hopeful and the list goes on. So I have to keep these memories in my mind and hold on to them until my mind can not hold any more. So as I sit here in this empty apartment, I am replaying these memories in my head. It’s quite cinematic.
Change. It has been said that there is nothing constant except change itself. So throughout life there will always be these stages or that is how I see it at least. I feel that we must appreciate each stage for what it is. So although it saddens me to see my friends go and to sit in this apartment waiting to be driven away as well, I am happy that change has occurred. Changes bring new possibilities for the future. Yes, college is over and we might not ever get a chance to return to those types of moments, but there are going to be new events and moments for us to cherish together. I can’t wait for the wedding invitation, and baby shower parties (so much to look forward to). Change. The apartment is empty, but I feel hopeful.
Memories are powerful things. I have really come to discover this, this year. Two of my closest friends have now graduated, leaving me here (which is cool, I am taking a fifth year). But it is saddening to know that our time together as young college students has passed and that now, we are well on our way to becoming independent adults. I remember thinking not to long ago back on my college years. They went by so fast, and yet I have so many memories. The familiar faces I once knew have mostly graduated and some have even went on to marry and start families. I hate to say I sound like an older person, but for the first time when I look back, I tell myself, “Wow, things have really changed and they might not be like they used to.” And these changes have happened so fast; so fast I didn’t even realized that they were taking place. So in order to stay sane throughout all of these changes, I have really discovered the importance of memories. Memories have the power to make us sad, cringe, scared, happy, nostalgic, hopeful and the list goes on. So I have to keep these memories in my mind and hold on to them until my mind can not hold any more. So as I sit here in this empty apartment, I am replaying these memories in my head. It’s quite cinematic.
Change. It has been said that there is nothing constant except change itself. So throughout life there will always be these stages or that is how I see it at least. I feel that we must appreciate each stage for what it is. So although it saddens me to see my friends go and to sit in this apartment waiting to be driven away as well, I am happy that change has occurred. Changes bring new possibilities for the future. Yes, college is over and we might not ever get a chance to return to those types of moments, but there are going to be new events and moments for us to cherish together. I can’t wait for the wedding invitation, and baby shower parties (so much to look forward to). Change. The apartment is empty, but I feel hopeful.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Coffee
I do not drink coffee.
I know it sounds weird
I have tried and tried but
I just do not drink coffee
My dad drank coffee
He is a funny guy
Always laughing over coffee
He smoked cigarettes
My mother rarely drank coffee
Maybe when she drove late
Maybe when she worked late
But other than that
She never really drank coffee
Coffee is like liquid intelligence
It is like the difference between
Someone who writes and a writer
Coffee means you are thinking
Coffee means jazz music
night poetry lounges,
Art shows, listening parties and
Fiction reading.
Coffee is the “cool”
Coffee is black drama kids
And tight fits.
And black berets
Coffee is the mail carrier bag,
Thrift store vintage scarves and
The blues.
Coffee is the New York times,
The wall street journal, The New
Yorker and Time.
I have always liked coffee,
But I could never drink it.
I know it sounds weird
I have tried and tried but
I just do not drink coffee
My dad drank coffee
He is a funny guy
Always laughing over coffee
He smoked cigarettes
My mother rarely drank coffee
Maybe when she drove late
Maybe when she worked late
But other than that
She never really drank coffee
Coffee is like liquid intelligence
It is like the difference between
Someone who writes and a writer
Coffee means you are thinking
Coffee means jazz music
night poetry lounges,
Art shows, listening parties and
Fiction reading.
Coffee is the “cool”
Coffee is black drama kids
And tight fits.
And black berets
Coffee is the mail carrier bag,
Thrift store vintage scarves and
The blues.
Coffee is the New York times,
The wall street journal, The New
Yorker and Time.
I have always liked coffee,
But I could never drink it.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am.
I found my keys today. However, the only problem is, is that I found them in my dream, right before I woke up. I always find it pretty interesting when I find things in my dreams only to be heart broken to find out that my keys are still gone, lost, or as I like to put it, misplaced somewhere in the abyss.
I guess I question of the day, well not of the day, but I question that I was asking myself last night was, "What does she have that I don't?" I try to refrain from asking these types of questions, but sometimes they creep up, from some deep hidden place of dis pare. Ok maybe dis pare wasn't the right word but you definitely get what I mean. It is so much easier to point out what I lack that it is what I have, I have recently learned. I was watching Mean Girls a while back, in the movie there was a scene where all the "mean girls" would stand in the mirror and point out every single thing that they could image was wrong with them. Where does it come from?
The world of women is a very complicated one at that. I was talking to my friends (actually we have had this conversation many a times) about the rules of women. We talked about the dynamics of the women women relationship and how that applied to staking claim on a "cute" man -whatever that means. In this wonder world of "girl" (and for all you who prefer to go the more "mature" route the "world of women"), if you are at a party and your friend expresses any type of attraction to one specific guy, she has staked her claim. She could say anything from, "OMG I want to talk to him." to "hm, look, he's pretty cute." wierd yeah I know. But this is how it works. Now of course, you have those sets of friends who claim they don't work like that, but I would beg to differ.
There is also another thing that we have talked about and that is the subject of a man's merit v. a women's appearance. With regards to attracting a mate, I seems that men have it a bit better. If a man does not think he looks like Brad Pit, he could then become a millionaire and women will come flocking. Who care's if they wouldn't have liked you before the money, it seems that men don't really need someone to really like them for who they really are. (ok, that might be a bit exagerated, lol) On the other hand you have women, we live in a world where if you are a women and you don't feel like you look like Hally Berry, then it is a wrap, you are not any getting past the front door. Now of course, these are all just thoeries and are not for certain, but that are definitely ideas to think about. So what is a girl to do is such a situation.
Keep it pushing. It seems as though the only way to get ahead in this world is to make a way for yourself and ignore the fact that people might not think of you as the most beautiful in the world. You have to be beautiful to you and move on, focuing on all the things that make you beautiful. I have been adopting this way of thought, however there are still times when I fall. There are times when I don't feel my best, but I have to keep reminding myself that I am the bomb, if not to any body else, to me. Now, even though I said that it seems that guys have it easier, it might not necesarily be that way (I am not a man, so I can never truly know), I can only speak from my female perspective.
Lastly, self esteem is hard to keep up these days.. I takes a really strong person to stand up against the current of the popular media. Now the subject of self esteem has come up in many conversations that I have had with many of my peers both male and female and there are always those who allude to the idea of people with low self esteem being weak people and I almost get an aire that they inflict those wounds on themselves. My question in response to that would be, "Why would someone choose to have low self esteem?" I mean, I know that there exist people who love to play the victim to attract more attention to themselves, but there are people who genuinely have truoble finding the beauty in themselves.
So, "What does she have that I don't?" Well she may have a lot of things and she may be a lot of things, but I always like to refers back to the great philosopher Kanye West, when he said, "Everything I'm not, made me everything I am." I may not be a lot of things but I am me, Christina. I can improve myself in certain aspects, but so can everybody else. Well, I guess that's it.
I guess I question of the day, well not of the day, but I question that I was asking myself last night was, "What does she have that I don't?" I try to refrain from asking these types of questions, but sometimes they creep up, from some deep hidden place of dis pare. Ok maybe dis pare wasn't the right word but you definitely get what I mean. It is so much easier to point out what I lack that it is what I have, I have recently learned. I was watching Mean Girls a while back, in the movie there was a scene where all the "mean girls" would stand in the mirror and point out every single thing that they could image was wrong with them. Where does it come from?
The world of women is a very complicated one at that. I was talking to my friends (actually we have had this conversation many a times) about the rules of women. We talked about the dynamics of the women women relationship and how that applied to staking claim on a "cute" man -whatever that means. In this wonder world of "girl" (and for all you who prefer to go the more "mature" route the "world of women"), if you are at a party and your friend expresses any type of attraction to one specific guy, she has staked her claim. She could say anything from, "OMG I want to talk to him." to "hm, look, he's pretty cute." wierd yeah I know. But this is how it works. Now of course, you have those sets of friends who claim they don't work like that, but I would beg to differ.
There is also another thing that we have talked about and that is the subject of a man's merit v. a women's appearance. With regards to attracting a mate, I seems that men have it a bit better. If a man does not think he looks like Brad Pit, he could then become a millionaire and women will come flocking. Who care's if they wouldn't have liked you before the money, it seems that men don't really need someone to really like them for who they really are. (ok, that might be a bit exagerated, lol) On the other hand you have women, we live in a world where if you are a women and you don't feel like you look like Hally Berry, then it is a wrap, you are not any getting past the front door. Now of course, these are all just thoeries and are not for certain, but that are definitely ideas to think about. So what is a girl to do is such a situation.
Keep it pushing. It seems as though the only way to get ahead in this world is to make a way for yourself and ignore the fact that people might not think of you as the most beautiful in the world. You have to be beautiful to you and move on, focuing on all the things that make you beautiful. I have been adopting this way of thought, however there are still times when I fall. There are times when I don't feel my best, but I have to keep reminding myself that I am the bomb, if not to any body else, to me. Now, even though I said that it seems that guys have it easier, it might not necesarily be that way (I am not a man, so I can never truly know), I can only speak from my female perspective.
Lastly, self esteem is hard to keep up these days.. I takes a really strong person to stand up against the current of the popular media. Now the subject of self esteem has come up in many conversations that I have had with many of my peers both male and female and there are always those who allude to the idea of people with low self esteem being weak people and I almost get an aire that they inflict those wounds on themselves. My question in response to that would be, "Why would someone choose to have low self esteem?" I mean, I know that there exist people who love to play the victim to attract more attention to themselves, but there are people who genuinely have truoble finding the beauty in themselves.
So, "What does she have that I don't?" Well she may have a lot of things and she may be a lot of things, but I always like to refers back to the great philosopher Kanye West, when he said, "Everything I'm not, made me everything I am." I may not be a lot of things but I am me, Christina. I can improve myself in certain aspects, but so can everybody else. Well, I guess that's it.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Traveling Soon!!!!!
Good morning world. it is 8am and I am at work attempting to earn enough money to buy myself a great camera for going abroad this Fall. I am so excited to travel this Fall. I will be living in Spain for three months come September and I can't wait. I hope that this experience changes my life. I have heard from so many other people that going abraod is like one of the best things you could do as an undergrad, or even as a grad for that matter. I have gotten to the point where I sort of feel confined within a small box, called Irvine CA. I love the people that I have met and all of my friends, however I feel that it is time to get out and explore to world.
I spoke to my mother I few days ago and she was doing what she normally does, which is giving me endless advise. And by the way, I value my mother's advise very much, she just has a way of saying things that sort of either puts me at ease or makes me think about my own actions. But i was talking to my mother and towards the end of the conversation I told her that i wanted to travel the world. I want to go everywhere. As a was saying it, i really started to feel excited, because that was not a dream, because I was really going to start this Fall. There is this one saying that I have been kicking around in my head for I while and it is, "The first Spain, Next stop the world!" I don't know how I came up with that, I just think that it embodies what I am feeling as of now.
Thinking of traveling, also making me think of the job that I have now, nothing big just a student desk job. I sit here I am look at the rest of the professional staff and I wonder if I could the same thing that they are doing. I could really come into work every day from 8am to 5pm, sit in a cubicle, and stare at a computer screen for the rest of my working life. Wow, I don't think that I could. I don't get me wrong, I do admire their security, but at the same time I don't. Maybe one day I will have a change of heart and go for that desk job, but for now I want to be a traveler.
I thanked God this morning for life. I thanked god for waking me up this morning because I am sure that that did not have to happen, but it did. Sometimes I do admit that I don't thank God enough for everything that I have in life. I lot of times I am focused on the things that I don't have. I don't have a car, I don't have this or that. But I always have to take a step back and thank him for life and the people that he has placed in my life. And I must also remember to thank him for the opportunities that he has laid before it, such as traveling to Spain in the Fall. I will be patient and trust that things are going to work out for the better. Well I will leave off about here. Until next time. oh and please excuse any spelling errors I am at work and have on time to spell check.
-ciao
I spoke to my mother I few days ago and she was doing what she normally does, which is giving me endless advise. And by the way, I value my mother's advise very much, she just has a way of saying things that sort of either puts me at ease or makes me think about my own actions. But i was talking to my mother and towards the end of the conversation I told her that i wanted to travel the world. I want to go everywhere. As a was saying it, i really started to feel excited, because that was not a dream, because I was really going to start this Fall. There is this one saying that I have been kicking around in my head for I while and it is, "The first Spain, Next stop the world!" I don't know how I came up with that, I just think that it embodies what I am feeling as of now.
Thinking of traveling, also making me think of the job that I have now, nothing big just a student desk job. I sit here I am look at the rest of the professional staff and I wonder if I could the same thing that they are doing. I could really come into work every day from 8am to 5pm, sit in a cubicle, and stare at a computer screen for the rest of my working life. Wow, I don't think that I could. I don't get me wrong, I do admire their security, but at the same time I don't. Maybe one day I will have a change of heart and go for that desk job, but for now I want to be a traveler.
I thanked God this morning for life. I thanked god for waking me up this morning because I am sure that that did not have to happen, but it did. Sometimes I do admit that I don't thank God enough for everything that I have in life. I lot of times I am focused on the things that I don't have. I don't have a car, I don't have this or that. But I always have to take a step back and thank him for life and the people that he has placed in my life. And I must also remember to thank him for the opportunities that he has laid before it, such as traveling to Spain in the Fall. I will be patient and trust that things are going to work out for the better. Well I will leave off about here. Until next time. oh and please excuse any spelling errors I am at work and have on time to spell check.
-ciao
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Blah
I am going to try and blog before I am just about to go to bed. Today was really laid back. I wasn't feeling my best, but I went to church and I guess I am doing better now. I also talked to my wonderful mother and she also gave me some words of encouragement. But all and all today was pretty good.
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