Procrastination!!!

Procrastination is such a bad thing gals and guys. How to push past that feeling of..."I'll get to is later," or "I'll wait til tomorrow." is one of the biggest enigmas of life. Well my answer is to JUST DO IT. It is as simple as that. Just get up and do what ever it is that you have been wanting to complete. Don't take my word for it, practice this for yourself and see how you feel afterwards. Beleive me your future self will thank you, future self - "Thanks you soooo much past self." Yes the only way to get things done is to just get up and get them done. It is also my belief that if we continue to push past feelings of procrastination, we will then eventually shed the feelings. You will foster inside yourself a culture of productivity. But yes procrastination SUCKS, but the good news is that it is never to late to start doing something, unless you're dead. I am at work right now but that just popped into my mind. At first I was thinking, "Well I can wait until I get home a blog about it." But I just did it, right now, at work. So my message to all of you stuck experiencing the procrastination blues, JUST DO IT!!!! k

Luv ya much

Trans People and Cupcakes !!! Luvley!!

Ok so what is up with me and what is happening in life. Well interestingly enough I have been really interested in the lives of transexual women, (I am not trying to walk down that road folks). I think it is truly interesting how someone totally switches genders. It got me thinking about how I viewed gender. At first I was really reluctant to except it. I was thinking, "You are what you are born!!!" and if anything, you might let's say create a new alternative gender, something that is more fluid. Then I found that I started to become irritated at the fact that people could actually change their birth certificates. That seemed bizarre to me. Thinking, so lets say I fall in "love" with this "guy" then he later tells me that he was a girl and now he is a man. I started to feel totally freaked out. BUT! now I am started to really think about why I would feel freaked out. Why do trans women make me feel uneasy. I feel like I just seen them as, just another man trying to take over the world of women. lol Then I started thinking that, men have options for everything, they could even become a women if they wanted to. However a trans man, would have to...well, I don't know what they would have to do in terms of "anatomy". AH MEN!. But now I feel that I have become a little more open to the fact that there exist different people in the world. I still have my own ideas about the subject, but now I am open to being enlightened, i guess. But yeah I have really been looking at youtube vids about it, random, but that's me.

What else is going in my head. Yes!! I am getting ready to graduate -PRAYING TO GOD A PASS THESE LAST FEW CLASSES- and it is getting really scary. I don't know what I want to do, or better, I know what I want to do, act and entertainment but I am unsure as to which road to choose. Graduation just presents so many questions, What to do? How to pay for student loans - AND LET ME TELL YOU I GOT THOSE. MAN!! I am thinking of going to Spain to teach English and getting into some theater as well. Maybe the Spanish will love me like the French did Josephine Baker -LESS BANANAS AND EXOTIFICATION THOUGH!! But we will see, I figure god will lead me down the path that he intends for me, ya heard me.

I have crazy ideas in my head, movie scripts, plays, and cupcake shops!, I know I am everywhere, I want to open up a cupcake bakery one day to. I please believe that my cupcakes will be BOMB!!! I love cupcakes, in fact when I get my first dog, tea cup something, I am going to name him cupcakes, yes that is plural!

Also, I am attending a group dealing with body image now. Yeah, if you have read my past blogs you know I got issues, lol. But the group is going well, I love it, plus I would recommend anyone going through anything that is driving them crazy to get counseling. I feel that it is good to get things off your chest and to let things go. More on that later though. I am staying positive and motivating!!

Well this entry was everywhere I know, but hey that's me. until next time luvs

MUAH <3

XTEENA

Update !!!!!

Good evening everyone. First I would like to say that I am so sorry for not blogging in so long. I have been to Spain for three months and back already and here I am in my fifth year hear at Irvine!! So much has happened and I have learned so much throughout these last six months and I wouldn't even know where to begin. But what I will do is say what is on my mind as of right now.

So, in efforts to clean up my life (not that there were super serious things that needed to be cleaned up, e.g pertaining to drugs and alcohol) I decided to enroll in a Kickboxing class offered at my school's recreations center (which is amazing btw). I figure that if I don't like something about myself I should change it or at least do something to improve whatever aspect of my life that I feel needs improvement. So today was the first class and as always I started with half-hearted expectations. I knew that I was not going to get through this class without breaking fifty million times and that everyone else's performance would make even Billy Blanks shed a tear. So, I walk in to the room, the lights are dim and no one is there. I am always early. I like to survey the area in which my sweaty carcass will be discovered. I sit on the floor and stretch, but then the teacher walks in and greets me, she's nice, asks me questions about my major and so on and so forth you know, college small talk. Well not to hold you hostage here forever, this is leading somewhere.

During the class I did stop many times, I mean I got a really good workout, but not a great one, not the one that I could have gotten if I were to stick with it. I figure that the workout is like a metaphor for the way I have approached problems and obstacles in my life. I start off great, I am really feelin it, no one can stop me because, YES!! I am improving myself as the blood rushes through my vains. But then as the heat turns up, I start to feel challenged and tired. I start to think about sitting out just for a few second to catch my breath. "No No, I can't do that, I must keep going and push through the pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body," I chant several times in my head. Then finally I stopped "to drink water." And when I did, that is when I began to see everyone pass me by, I began to feel discouraged and confused. OK, I don't really know where confusion fits in, literally those moves were pretty hard to execute. But anyway, I was hard for me to get back in because I was too focused on everyone else and not on myself. I let everyone else in the room effect my own progress, and that ain't good.

So you know how "they" say that every experience is a learning one, well I have learned to not give up. I will continue to attend my class and I will give anyone that wants to know an update. BTW, Physical fitness is not the only area of my life that I am working on, but going in to all of those could take all day. Step by step people.

Random but not really - I have to thank God for blessing me is so many ways. I mean, I prayed for God to bless me and all but wow, I have really been seeing some real results these past few weeks. And don't worry I also pray for the fam and friends too, so if something good has happened to you *wink*, jkjkjk. I will get into that stuff later too, just wanted to give a shout out. ok Until Next Time.

I am will be talking about spain soon and posting vids on my Youtube page. ;)

-Tina cupcakes<3

Spain.Christina.lol.

So Hello all!!! I hope you are doing well. lol. I have finally applied for my Visa to travel to Spain. Now, all that is left is the waiting game. Even though I know I should probably be extremely panicked and praying to God a million times for it to arrive on time; I am not too worried. It's not that I have nothing to worry about, it's just that, what use is it panicking. I Pray that everything works out and that I am off to Spain come August 28th... and that's it. Spain is becoming more and more real now that I have applied for the visa. I don't know what to expect going abroad for three months (THREE MONTHS PEOPLE!!!). Maybe I will meet the love of my life, maybe I will find this new passion for something, I don't know. Maybe nothing will happen at all. I am just ready to continue this journey I call life. Maybe this trip will help my learn more about myself. I want to challenge myself by stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I have recently come to realize something about myself that I never (until now) thought was an issue for me. I am overly attached to my family. Of course I love my family, they are the people who have been there for my for so many years, however I feel that I have been protected by them so much that I feel like I use them as a protective mechanism to shield myself from the outside world. Now this attachment is not like that weird guy who stays upstairs locked away typing at his computer in his childhood room. No, I guess deep down inside, somewhere so deep I didn't see it, I am just scared. I few months ago I was thinking about my big trip and this fear of something happening to my mom or brother just popped in my head. What if something happens and I am not here, by their side. But then I reminded myself that life is unpredictable and that it must be lived to the fullest. Living life to the fullest means not worrying about every little thing that could happen. Of course someone could die, but I know that tomorrow is not promised to me or my family members, so I must appreciate them every day, every moment I can. I didn't know I was going to be this scared about leaving, I thought that leaving would be a piece of cake- not the case.

On another note. Self. I mentioned that I want to learn more about who I am. It is not that I don't know what my favorite color is, no. I have just spent so much time trying to either live up to other people's expectations or what I believe other people's expectations of me, that I lost sight of who Christina was. I once heard that "the hardest thing to be is yourself." Personally this statement has rung so true. I used to asked myself - sometimes I still do - what is special about me. I know people say that I am funny from time to time, but what is it really. Now I know that I am special, I am just trying to figure out what makes me that way. This trip may not reveal all the answers to the many questions that I have, only God has those answers I guess, but I plan to clear my head on this trip, regroup and put me together. There will be no additives, or artificial sweeteners, just pure Christina as she is.

Well back to my trip. I am so excited. I am praying that my Spanish improves. Everyone I talk with about the trip says that I will come back almost fluent, but we will see. Well it is getting late. I have also realized that I need music to write, actually I need it for a lot of things. There is just something magical about music. I mean what else can soothe the savage beast - not that I am the beast- well you get what I mean. What else is on my mind...

I guess good nite until tomorrow blog. ;)

Late Night Brain Scatter

So it is pretty late, at least for being on vacation anyways. I am listening to Sarah Smile by Hall and Oates right now; that song is so tight and I would recommend it to anyone. My cousin Marlania and her family have been here for the past week and are leaving tomorrow, it has been fun. There are so many things to be done before I fly off to Spain in August like: getting my passport, raising money, working, getting my license, etc. Sometimes I just don't know where to start. However, this summer I will get things done. I won't sit around and talk about things that I am planning on doing. Ok, so I am talking about it in this blog, but this is my blog, so I guess this is ok.

Today was coo, I went to work at Party City. I - for lack of better words-hate that job. I don't hate the people I work with at all, I barely know any of them, I just hate the job itself. it is all about customer service; keeping the customer happy. I would say that I am pretty good at doing that, but the endless task of cleaning up after people only to watch them reck the aisles you just cleaned sucks. But that job has been there for me when I needed it most, and I appreciate it.

So if all goes well I will be traveling to Spain. Man, Spain. I made up my mind that I will see the world and to think in about two months I will start my journey. I hope there is power in seeing new places and things, while meeting new people. I have this notion that going abroad is going to help me understand more about me and who I really am. I know that my thoughts are bouncing around everywhere but I really feel that this might be one of the (hopefully) many life changing experiences of my life. Right now I feel sort of caged in, like a bird that always wanted to fly but its wings were clipped. I know ahhhh. anyway, I am going to try writing again tomorrow. bye bye.

The Last One Left in the Empty Apartment

The apartment is empty now, which means there are no longer any more familiar voices, no more vibrant music, and no more interesting conversations. As I sit here, my mind can’t help but wonder or think of everything that has happened in this place. It is so scary just looking into the bedroom walls where posters and pictures once hung and into the drawers where clothing was placed. I start to imagine people, my friends sitting at their computers, doing homework, listening to music, talking on the phone. I can see one of them on Facebook looking up new dances or the latest songs. It’s sort of weird to know that this “time” is over.
Memories are powerful things. I have really come to discover this, this year. Two of my closest friends have now graduated, leaving me here (which is cool, I am taking a fifth year). But it is saddening to know that our time together as young college students has passed and that now, we are well on our way to becoming independent adults. I remember thinking not to long ago back on my college years. They went by so fast, and yet I have so many memories. The familiar faces I once knew have mostly graduated and some have even went on to marry and start families. I hate to say I sound like an older person, but for the first time when I look back, I tell myself, “Wow, things have really changed and they might not be like they used to.” And these changes have happened so fast; so fast I didn’t even realized that they were taking place. So in order to stay sane throughout all of these changes, I have really discovered the importance of memories. Memories have the power to make us sad, cringe, scared, happy, nostalgic, hopeful and the list goes on. So I have to keep these memories in my mind and hold on to them until my mind can not hold any more. So as I sit here in this empty apartment, I am replaying these memories in my head. It’s quite cinematic.
Change. It has been said that there is nothing constant except change itself. So throughout life there will always be these stages or that is how I see it at least. I feel that we must appreciate each stage for what it is. So although it saddens me to see my friends go and to sit in this apartment waiting to be driven away as well, I am happy that change has occurred. Changes bring new possibilities for the future. Yes, college is over and we might not ever get a chance to return to those types of moments, but there are going to be new events and moments for us to cherish together. I can’t wait for the wedding invitation, and baby shower parties (so much to look forward to). Change. The apartment is empty, but I feel hopeful.

Coffee

I do not drink coffee.
I know it sounds weird
I have tried and tried but
I just do not drink coffee

My dad drank coffee
He is a funny guy
Always laughing over coffee
He smoked cigarettes

My mother rarely drank coffee
Maybe when she drove late
Maybe when she worked late
But other than that
She never really drank coffee

Coffee is like liquid intelligence
It is like the difference between
Someone who writes and a writer
Coffee means you are thinking

Coffee means jazz music
night poetry lounges,
Art shows, listening parties and
Fiction reading.

Coffee is the “cool”
Coffee is black drama kids
And tight fits.
And black berets

Coffee is the mail carrier bag,
Thrift store vintage scarves and
The blues.
Coffee is the New York times,
The wall street journal, The New
Yorker and Time.

I have always liked coffee,
But I could never drink it.